Yesterday, I went to mums and ended up looking through a bunch of photos ranging from childhood to much more recent times. Looking back when you’re of a certain age can do wonders for you and it kinda tripped me out a bit because the way we look back on things can alter your outlook on how things were or reaffirm what you already knew! Things I (re)-learned were:

How much of a personality I had: I was a confident kid up until the age of 12. The reasons why that changed are long and varied but I became scared of things and people. Self-doubt crept in and as much as I was functioning on the outside, I was a ball of insecurity that needed a huge hug, the odd word of kindness and probably a therapist. But I look back and the same questioning, curious, studious, caring kid is still there.

My mum was incredible: My parents are Jamaican immigrants and they never saw us go hungry or be without. Parents in the 1900s (if you wanna feel ancient) could only do as much as they could. There was no parenting book and there certainly wasn’t a parenting book for people who were new to parenting children in a new country and really young whilst doing it. My dad played his part but as I looked back and laughed at some of the questionable fashion, I realised how much of a driving force my mum actually was. And my god was she a stunner. She still is but my word!

Bloody hell!! How slim was I!!: I’ve spoken about my weight before and I’m not going down the route of beating myself up.  However, what is wild to me is how large I thought I was at the time. I don’t know if it’s a female thing but to think I was pulling in my imaginary stomach wearing this bikini is crazy to me…. now!

Family resemblances: Now I think my niece looks like me. My sister isn’t so sure. However, my daughter saw a picture of me at the age of 3 or 4 and said, “You look like Elle!” Unfortunately, I don’t post her face, so you just have to take my word for it. The less I say, the better because mi nuh able but she looks like me.

I say all this because the one thing I can accept is those spaces where I was given a hug, a shoulder or an encouragement. I allowed self-doubt to take over and things that seemed bleak weren’t necessarily as bad as I thought they were; and don’t get me wrong, there were definitely bullshit times but it impacted on me in a way that I wished it hadn’t. But you cannot do anything about the past apart from learn from it; and so onto my point on this piece. A lot of us have inherited behaviours, attitudes and what some of us call “generational curses.” Showing my kids that I’m not the miserable lump they think I am was trippy but I loved it. It made me determined to do as much as I could to encourage them, support their ambitions and definitely boost their confidence and self-esteem. It gave me a spring in my step to go back to being that 12 year-old kid again, not starting from scratch but starting from experience and most of all, being kind to myself.

Sometimes, things may not have been as bad as we imagined. Sometimes, they may have been much worse; but I am a firm believer that we can learn something from almost any situation and an apology – even to yourself, shows up as changed behaviour. Yesterday gave me impetus. It spurred me on to be kinder and softer and calmer with myself. I want this piece to encourage you to do the same. Be kind...

Thank you for reading, Tricia xx