*I started this blog 5th November 2019… yeah, I know!*

So I am sitting here four weeks into my job. It is a sedentary job. I am at a desk and not moving very much but what I have done is regulated my eating. I am drinking more water because I am trying to lose weight. But fast forward to 2023 and I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. Here are my thoughts and feelings on thus weight gain… And if you’re shaping up with the “fatphobic” comments, do one! I’m not as kind as Lizzo is and I will clapback.

My one and only concern is my health – not just physical but mental. My weight, for me is indicative of so much more than shape and size. It’s really more to do with how I feel about myself internally. I am overweight – at the time of writing, I’m now at 15st 11lbs/ 213lbs (in old money) / 96.8kgs (in new money) and at 5′ 5½” I’m fat!

I own it. I hate it. But I’ve got to do something about it. But here’s the crazy part, the more I think about losing weight, the more I eat. I confess, I’m an emotional eater. My weight was starting to balloon from 2020. Lockdown, divorce, managing their emotions, fixing a broken boiler, needing a new fridge, getting fridge that was far too big a small kitchen, working from home, supporting them in their online schooling (which they hated) and trying to remember my own emotions… daaaaamn… it was a lot!

And I felt like such a failure on so many levels. Failed marriage. Putting on weight. Juggling everything and managing nothing. Then crept in the loneliness. Once the kids went to bed, the house was quiet. Looking back, depression must’ve taken a hold but there was no time to think it through or negotiate it… so I ate through it.

And here I am nearly 5st / 70lbs (in old money) / 31.7kgs (in new money) oberweight and it’s time to get rid of it. I’m going for moderation. I don’t know if I can lose it all in the next year but I want to give it a go. I know I’m hiding behind my weight gain but I’m sick of that now. I think once you’re in a better place mentally, you want that to show up in every aspect of your life. My weight gain is a reminder of where I was in a very specific period of my life. It’s a metaphor for the pain. I don’t want a daily reminder of the pain. So what are the things that I want to do to help shed these #PandemicPounds?

• Got to be more conscious of my emotional eating: it’s a habit that I’ve learned and if I’m going to do something about it, I might as well make the things that I reach out for are healthy.
• Drink water and mind my business: I am aware that when I drink more water, I feel a lot less hungry for snack attacks.
• The dreaded E word exercise: needs reframing. I’m not one for public displays like the gym, instagramming my gains etc so I will be going on my walks around the area to start getting active.
• The dreaded F words: honestly the Fear of Failing aka Fuck It All, is stuck in the back of my mind. But I want to give it a good go and I suspect that I’m going to have to literally go it alone but I have to do it not only for me but I know the younglings are watching too.
• Discipline: I think this is my least favourite d-word but I need the discipline to stick with it. Discipline to control it. Discipline to focus on me and not feel guilty or selfish for doing so.

I think the younglings are on board and whilst I have to do most of it alone, I will need my cheerleaders. I’m not telling them that I’m recruiting them, they don’t need my insecurities on top of everything else. So if you’ve been in a bad place mentally because of weight gain, what things did you do to regain and maintain your health? What things do I need to think about?

But before I go….