All too often we hear about the devastating aspects of relationships. For a good while in 2023, we had a spate of Twitter-led tweets that gave us insight into what constituted the red flag phenomenon. Some insights were really funny… but others were as toxic as the red flags they were trying to warn us about. But there weren’t too many tweets about the green flags. The green flags are the cousins to the red flag, those things that are indicative of healthy compatibility, and genuine emotional habits.

They make you feel SAFE!: There are said to be 7 areas of Wellness – Environmental, Physical, Emotional, Social, Spiritual, Intellectual and Financial; and in each of these, if you feel safety or security, you’re onto a winner. That’s not to say you won’t have rocky or precarious moments but a conversation needs to be had. Plans need to be made and if the support is there when you need it, acknowledge that flag!

They take ACCOUNTABILITY! Now I hate the phrase “women need to take accountability for their relationships”. I couldn’t understand why I hated this phrase… until @uppity_negress_ put this out there on Threads.

So let’s be clear about what accountability is and isn’t. Firstly, it’s not the complete evisceration of someone’s character to satisfy your bloodthirst for humiliation. Of all of the definitions that I found, I liked the Merriam-Webster definition of accountability as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.” I remember asking one man what he would have changed in his marriage to possibly make it work. His answer was, “I wouldn’t have married her.” The lack of accountability in that response set my teeth on edge because his lack of insight into his behaviours was significant and his unwillingness to make changes to support someone that he claimed he loved was a deginite red flag. I know one thing that I would’ve changed is my ability to sound really angry when all I am is worried. I think there could’ve been a million different outcomes had I learnt this about myself sooner. There are probably many more things but this one was huge enough to impact on a lot more areas.

They’re working on their GROWTH whilst actively supporting yours!: My philosophy on relationships is as follows… Where you’re strong and I’m weak, you support me. Where I’m strong and you’re weak, I support you. Where we’re both strong, we forge ahead and enhance it, build up on it or come together to make shit happen. However, where we’re both weak, we either try to strengthen it, train ourselves up on it or sack it off as just something we’re not very good at. Self-growth requires honesty and self-awareness. It means not being afraid to ask a question and hearing something that you may not want to hear.

They are HONEST!: I cannot overly stress the safety in being honest without being tactful. So many of us hesitate to express our feelings for fear of being hurt or worse, unheard; whilst others take pleasure in “telling it like it is” because somehow social media has convinced us that how we receive information is more about our insecurities than the messenger actually being an arsehole. Two things can be true at the same time. Some people may be sensitive but others may just be scorepoint dickheads. Equally, you may tell me a truth which hurts but I know that you’re not trying to hurt me. Again, conversations need to happen to make sure that everybody is singing from the same songsheet.

UNDERSTANDS your taste – even if its not for them!: I long for the person who gets that although I may be a pacifist at heart, I do really like a gunman lyrics as long as there’s a wicked riddim track underneath with at least 275 counteractions on it… but also doesn’t squirm when I say I’d love to see Röyksopp live again, go to Glastonbury or that Take That are one of the best bands ever. For me, our differences have to be things that we can live with – not deeply embedded political choices like vegan vs meat, although it can work, if you’re willing to see a person for who they are – not who you want them to be.

They can TOLERATE your bullshit!: There’s nothing more satisfying than a man who can deal with your quirks. Obviously, I’m talking about low-level bullshit like this.

You cannot be going on with too much badness without getting some kind of reaction – unless that’s what you base your relationship on. But for the low-level drama free bullshitters we’ve got to celebrate that person who instinctively knows that no matter what you order at a restaurant, you’ll ALWAYS want something off their plate and they will share a bit of food off their plate – even if it does antogonise their inner demons.

Having FUN!: Once the honeymoon period is over, it is important to maintain that sense of fun. Yes, things can get lost in routine, chores and your day-to-day work but if you can smile through the important but mundane stuff, you’re onto a Green Flag winner! There’s a reason why date nights are important. They’re an opportunity to remind yourself of the importance of each other. They invoke spontaneity, time to plan something together and reconnect.

In order to have “that relationship”, you have to have a sense of fun that is invoked and enjoyed by both of you. Long lasting relationships aren’t hard work, they require effort. Fun and a sense of play may get lost in the everyday of it all but you need to be intentional and make it a feature of not only your relationship but life…

Of course, there are a ton of other Green Flags and what looks like the most beautiful calming sage green for me may look like the most garish luminescent bogey green for you… but green is green, right? Sharing common interests, fighting fair, respect, reducing each others stress, showing empathy, striving to be the best that you can both be are all green flags that I haven’t mentioned.

For you singletons looking for more: Having the company of a relationship is fine and as long as you both strive to be the best that you can be and love, have compassion and fun, you’ve reached a goal. Pushing yourself to become a better version of yourself is an absolute win and the best green flag of all is being with someone who likes you, believes in you and gets you to believe in yourself should be the  confidence boost that you need to achieve your goals in the 7 areas of wellness.

Jealousy and competition have no room in a healthy relationship and being alone can oftentimes be a healthy option – only you can decide. As much as I’d love to meet someone, the thought of toxicity fills me with dread. I’m Gen X – the generation that should’ve gone to therapy – but skipped the session. So we’re riddled with those stuck in their ways or those screaming “yolo” to their 25 Instagram followers whilst jumping off Mount Cappuccino to salvage their not-so-distant youth as opposed to embracing their present sense of fun in the Middle Passage of Life. I know the Green Flaggers are out there somewhere… so in the spirit of keeping it positive and green I’ll just got to out there and find him – or meet him halfway there; and if like me, you’re looking for a special someone (no matter youre gender-type) I sincerely wish you every success.

Thank you for reading, Tricia xx 💚💚💚