So one day in 2021, I was divorced. And honestly 2½ years later, I’m literally just getting back on my feet. We’d spent long enough “staying for the sake of the kids” and whilst we definitely made the right decision, I realise that everyone has wildly varying experiences of the aftermath that is co-parenting. I’m no expert but here are some of the things that worked for me.

1. Always put the children first: This was our biggest promise to each other. Our pact was to vocalise that we would, should and could put our children first. Now I know that this sounds like common sense and honestly, this should be at the top of your agenda. However, if your biggest issues were around the care of the children, this may prove exhausting or extremely difficult. Again, look for the common ground and work up your solutions from there. Always remember though, children are resilient, they see everything and aren’t easily fooled by words. Actions really do matter.

2. Social media can be a blessing and a curse: I say this because you can either find solutions or remain stagnant… and that goes for men as well as women. All too often, the blame game is strong online. All too often, I find that men have far too much to say based on well-worn borderline incel tropes and then women are battling it out to be understood or heard. I say this with drawn breath and hesitation because all too often, vocal women face accusations of being a “feminazi” or a “bitter shrew who will have her problems fixed by good di*k” and for me that can become overwhelming. Not least because (n)one of those things are true about me.

However, it can be a blessing because you can find like-minded folk who are in the same boat. I find, that because of the way we’re socialised, women tend to have a better grasp of this type of interaction because the subconscious aim is to find a solution or find out if what is being experienced is a one-off. What I can only suggest for this, is that if you are looking for like-minded folks, look for x crowds who can hear your pain but are prepared to give you the tough love you need to push you forward.

3. Keep the conversation going: One thing that I’m grateful for is that we parted on amicable terms… kinda. One thing we haven’t stopped doing is having the conversation and keeping it amicable. I understand that if there are threats of harm, this may be difficult or require mediation; but where you can, if you can, the continuity of the conversation is essential. If that feels overwhelming, start small but try to keep the children as your focus. Also, when conversation becomes tit for tat, stop.

4. Find a positive avenue to fuel you: One thing that has kept me going in my darkest times is humour. Humour and a run of the Poirot series (I promise, I’m not trying to off him!) But looking for that silver lining has to be an aim. For me, it’s humour. For you, it might be a 10k run. For others, it might be something more adventurous. Whatever will help distract you and keep the separation/ divorce blues away in a healthy way, do that.

5. Take care of you: As I said at the beginning of this piece, it has taken me near enough 2½ years to restoring order in our home, hearts and minds. Children are a priority until they can take care of themselves and when you look at how the statistics are stacked against black children, the work became even more of a priority. But once the dust had settled, I was able to do the work on me. The work isn’t completely done but things such as losing weight and eating right as well as going out, socialising and meeting up with people who aren’t teenagers is becoming increasingly important to me. This aspect of life is also important to teach your children, self-care and that mom isn’t just…. mom and that she has a life too.

I consider myself fortunate. Despite his faults, he implicitly knows that I won’t bad mouth him to influence the children against him. I know that he is there for them whenever they need him. I have deliberately allowed their relationship to flourish. And I have reflected on the areas where I need to grow. Reflection is hard for a woman like me but when you have two younglings that aren’t shy about calling you out on certain things, there’s no way out; reflect you must. I say all of that to say, that it is a concerted effort to make things work in the co-parenting process which means looking at things from as many angles as you can manage. I haven’t written this to gloat. I’ve written this to give insight into a few things that have helped make things work for me. It is a skill to know when it’s time to challenge something and when it’s time to let things go. So if you are in a co-parenting situation I wish you the very best and hope that the seeds that you sow, rest on healthy ground.

Have you found healthy approaches to co-parenting that you care to share? Is there anything on this list that you could add to support other parents?

I love you for reading,

Tricia xx