I introduced myself in my last blog and the one thing I forgot to say was that I’m 49. I mean I’m consistently told that I don’t look it. Part of me doesn’t feel it but then again I don’t know how it’s supposed to feel. I’ve never been here before… but 50 is BIG! Once upon a time I was 27 and then I blinked and had two kids and half a century behind me.

I was born in 1973 – a vintage year by all accounts on what was a pleasant May 12th. Mum and I lived in Sheffield until my brother was born a mere 10 months later – mum and dad were young… it was the 70s… judge yourselves! I grew up in Birmingham and only returned to Sheffield to study what started as an Applied Social Studies degree and quickly became a Social Policy degree. Which up until that point was the highlight of my life.

My biggest problem is that I’ve never been big on celebrating myself. And no matter how hard I try, it still feels alien to me. Part of me doesn’t believe that if I put the invite out, people will come. I have my reasons for this insecurity but I think that is for another blog… in fact that may be four more blogs I know I should celebrate myself more; but mistakes I’ve made and failed relationships no matter how long they were chipped away at my already sensitive soul but I’ve always measured my success by my work and the success of those around me. It was my default position… it still is.

So I’m guessing now is as good a time to start celebrating me. Changing the narrative and putting me first. Of course I’ll have my loved ones up there with me but I have to consider me and my needs… evrn typing it makes me feel selfish. Changing this marrative is unlearning a lot of crap that I was taught. I could blame my parents but there are two things 1. They could only do their vest and 2. When you know better, you do better. The latter is me.

I’ve rightly been accused of procrastination and I know this – because my Masters taught me that procrastination is an anxiety response. I own it. Doing this blog is helping that because I’ve been threatening to pick it up again and here I am. Other ways of tackling my deference is by jump starting my business. Something that is mine that teaches me new skills and utilising my already establushed skills. Focus and discipline are also part of this new deal with myself and boy do I need to stock up on those things.

So where do I go from here?

Honestly, I genuinely feel free. 50 feels liberating but the last 3 years have lead to this. For far too long, I was coiled into subservience, isolation and misety but that started unravelling in 2020 and what I thought was wobbly, unclear and unsure was actually freefall – a place where I showed up at peace, with a sense of humour in all the wrong places and where, despite my ridiculous weight gain, people remarked how radiant I was. Do I love all of me yet? I’m getting there. Fact is that despite these flaws in me, I like who I am, I just need the wotld to catch up…

In the meantime Happy Birthday to all my May 12th folks – Homer Simpson is an alumni ❤️💛💚