This blog was actually written in 2017 and I am not sure if anything has changed in the time that it was written. Sure, one big change is that I have a new job. I still have my side hustles but within all of that I still have a house to maintain and yeah I still have kids. Oh and we now have a little one that doesn’t need as much looking after but whilst her mum was carrying…. boy did we need to look after her.

At the time of writing the original draft, it was late and the Summer School that I had been running with the children had been more difficult to mentally manage than I had anticipated, for a number of reasons.

– I have twins with very different demands
– I was second guessing my parenting and allowing my own anxieties to enable my overthinking – possibly my worst trait
– I am tired from the endometriosis (which reminds me, I have to phone the doctors for iron tablets)
– There is so much that needs doing around this house and it’s really bothering me. Full disclosure the house still needs de-cluttering but before 2020 reaches me, I am FULLY ON IT and in the final straight of being emotionally detached and chucking out old stuff I DON’T need.
– My time management seems to be going AWOL because of it all.

But no matter what I try to do, I just can’t seem to catch a break. My To Do Lists have sub-To Do Lists and at the time of the original blog, nothing seemed to be moving forward. In 2019, things are moving but not as quickly as I would like. There is always a dilemma. Or maybe I’ve just got to relax about life. For the longest time, my life has literally been like the embodiment of the Talking Heads’ track The Road to Nowhere. Yet, if I give up at any stage, I know that I will always be questioning whether I should have gone the distance or not with any one of my ventures. In all fairness, the house seems perpetually in a state and I am sure that there are reasons for this – but whatever they are, they’re unhealthy. There are always jobs that need doing and I will always be the one doing them. The children can do little things like make breakfast and tidy their room, but to cook meals, sort washing, to wash dishes is an ask. So what do I do about the creeping anxieties that I feel from time to time?

I have to admit, blogging is a great focus away from my worries. However, it also adds to my worries. How much do I document? What is interesting? What isn’t? How much time do I have to do each task? Is it my lack of discipline or is it that I have given myself too much to do? I can get really academic about my behaviour, my constant need to reassure myself of my parenting skills and how very good I am at justifying my own b***s*** at times! Crikey, I’m exhausted at just writing that!

I actually really liked doing the Summer School with the kids and their enthusiasm for it was amazing. For that reason alone, I couldn’t throw the towel in and give up. They have a zest for life that is infectious and I only wish that I could do more for them. So the public record of our shenanigans was for them to see that I think that they are more than worthy of every opportunity that I can give to them. It is my plan to be able to do more with them as a result of our work. Somehow. Some way.

Mothering/ Parenting is a full-time job and unless some fairy godmother is going to get this housework done, I guess that this will be one continuous hamster wheel that I need to enjoy. The beauty of revisiting this blog though was refreshing. I feel more hopeful – it was a dark time. I feel enthused. I have more energy (iron tablets obviously agree with me) and I think that I am ready to try and push – again. This is what life is for me though. Had it not been for those two, my life would’ve been very different. I would’ve probably found another way of living but I believe it would’ve been a drag. They are my joy. They are the reason why I have gotten up when I didn’t want to or when it seemed impossible to do. That is not to say that children are the reason for YOU to get up. I think the lesson that I have learned in the time that it has taken me to re-write this is if you don’t get up for children, get up for SOMETHING. Find your something. Find your anything. That thing that gives you zest, oomph and makes sense for you to lift your head off a pillow. But make sure that whatever you’re doing, you have FUN – something that brings joy! If it’s been a long that you have been in the Land of the Lost Mojo, start small. Start easy. Source a hobby or remember the time when you were happiest and how you can get back to that space. If you have something that you can no longer do, use your skills and find something. We have the internet now and there is something for everyone – just make sure it’s LEGAL.

I would love to know what your downtime looks like or are you on the hamster wheel that I’m on too?? Give me techniques. Give me sanity. Give me hope lol. I really look forward to hearing from you if you have any

Trying to be the best that I can be.

The Sugarsnaps